The things we lost
by gira156
Summary: Lavi left with Bookman. Five years later he and Allen meet again. Will they finally be together or they will let the past get between them? Allen x Lavi Allen!seme Lavi!uke
1. Chapter 1 The real Bookman

Allen x Lavi story Allen!seme Lavi!uke. I own nothing. Please Review!

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Chapter 1: The real Bookman

The library was empty, only Bookman and Lavi were inside it as always at such time of the night. Bookman looked thoughtful in the low candle light and when he decided to talk Lavi just wished that he hadn't.

"It's time" Bookman said and really there was nothing else for him to say for Lavi to understand what he really meant but Lavi deep down inside he just wanted to hear the specific words out of the old man's mouth so that he could live for a couple more seconds in his illusion that maybe, just _maybe_, the old man didn't mean what Lavi had understood. But Bookman wasn't a fool, he could read Lavi like an open book just like the books he himself has written, he could read Lavi like his was one of those books.

"We have stayed long enough, we need to move on" Bookman said and let out a sigh, a sigh that it was barely audible but for Lavi it seemed that it would have turned him deaf. Lavi wasn't a fool either, he could read the old man as well and he understood that behind that sigh there was disappointment, self blaming, self failure and _uncertainty. _For the first time Lavi could sense that Bookman wasn't sure about something and that something could change the whole future, the Bookmen's future, Lavi's future. That something was up to Lavi to decide, that something was a simple _yes _or a burdened _no. _Yes Lavi understood that Bookman felt that Lavi didn't want to leave, didn't want to leave from the Black Order, didn't want to leave the exorcists, didn't want to leave his "friends", and didn't want to leave _Allen._

Now Lavi turned to look at Bookman and deep in the old man's eyes he could finally see emotions, emotions of disappointment and anxiety just like behind that sigh and Lavi wished that he couldn't have seen these emotions. When Bookman continued his words were laced with concern and something that felt like comprehension "I know you don't want to leave but you are a Bookman, this is your future".

Lavi kept quiet with no emotion on his face but his eye betrayed the hurt he felt in his suppose nonexistent heart and he felt that the darkness of the beloved library was slowly consuming him. Bookman looked deep in his eye like he was trying to read his very soul and Lavi thought he did. With Bookman's next words it felt like the temperature in the room had decreased because his words were laced with cold "So you are staying". Bookman said and looked away as he was disgusted by Lavi and really that would be an understandment but then Lavi broke his silence that felt heavy in the small place of the library and made Bookman realise that he couldn't read him so well after all.

"No I am a Bookman, that is my future" Lavi said feeling the words spilling out with a bitter taste and he tried really hard to say it nonchalantly and he succeeded it perfectly, something that made him _feel_ that he didn't have emotions after all. Bookman then looked up to search his face, not his eye because he was sure that he would find the pain there and he didn't want to find the pain, he simply searched his face because on that pale face Lavi learnt very well to fake emotions and so Bookman saw what he wanted: nothing.

So Bookman broke into a smile that Lavi couldn't tell if it was fake or real. Fake because he felt the pain of his apprentice but still the Bookmen line would continue or real because he failed to see Lavi's pain.

"Well then we shall leave immediately" Bookman said with the same smile on his face and Lavi felt those words alongside that smile piercing through his heart and that made him understand that he finally had a heart. Lavi then tried to bring a smile on his face as well but failed and it came out as a half smile that felt like it was breaking his face. Bookman saw that "smile" in the low candle light and reducing his own smile he simply added "Except if you want more time to say goodbye to them". Bookman felt like adding that after he saw Lavi's face but deep inside he really wished that his apprentice didn't accept the offer.

In Lavi's mind his words were echoing: _them. _Now Lavi was sure that the old man knew he didn't want to leave, he refused to refer to them as _the exorcists _or_ your friends. _"There is no need for goodbyes, we are Bookmen" Lavi said and now he felt the real pain, something snapped inside him and he could swear that it was his heart. He felt like someone had punched him straight to the heart and brought it out of his body. He was sure that with his own words, his own actions, his own mind he had finally removed all the evidences that he has a heart. Now instead of a heart he felt only the pain he had caused and that pain was slowly fading away leaving him with _nothing._

Bookman smiled again but this time his smile was bitter and happy at the same time and Lavi could see both of the emotions in it and he didn't know how to feel about it. _Feel? Isn't a little late for that? _Lavi thought to himself and casted his gaze down to the open book in front of him. A book, the only _things _that would, should keep him company. He didn't want to say goodbye, he couldn't bring himself to. He knew that that was selfish but he just couldn't. He was afraid that he would change his mind and run back, run back to them, run back to Allen's arms and leave Bookman, his future and Bookmen's clan future behind. And Bookman knew that because he felt relieved when Lavi declined his offer and with that Lavi felt his betraying heart dying once more, slowly falling from his chest.

"We will get the midnight train then so go and pick up your things and we will be leaving in half an hour" Bookman knew that it was enough time for Lavi to gather his things and not change his mind at the same time. Then he got up from his seat and Lavi _mimicked_ him. Bookman left and Lavi stood there alone watching the playful flame of the candle and the pale sheet of the book. He then blew out the flame and let the darkness of the library devour him as he watched the small patterns of smoke that were left after the flame died. He could relay with that flame. He looked at the smoke once more before the smoke disappeared into the air and at the same time Lavi felt all the warmth leaving him as well. He felt _cold. _He bowed his head and for the first time in a long time he felt something running down his face. A tear had fallen from his emerald eye like it was trying to prove him that he still had his feelings, his heart but Lavi just wipe it away with his hand leaving only the soft wetness. He then left the library and headed to his room.

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Lavi headed soundlessly to his room making sure that he wouldn't wake up anyone. He reached his room and closed the door behind him. He leaned back to the door for a couple of seconds when he felt his legs giving up on him. He mastered all his strength to move away from it and find his bag. He threw it unceremoniously on the bed and started putting his clothes in it. He could see his body moving on its own, his mind working on its own and his heart failing to answer.

Just that moment he broke. He couldn't take it anymore. He broke into tears, into silent sobs. He, Lavi Bookman Jr, cried. He cried for his friends, for Allen, for his heart. He cried for himself. The tears were refreshing and heavy on his face at the same time. He felt something pumping in his chest and he knew that it was his heart. He then took that opportunity and found a piece of paper. He sat on his desk for the last time and wrote. _An apology? A goodbye? Everything and nothing? _Lavi thought as he was spilling his heart on that small piece of paper and made sure that none of his tears would fall on it.

He finished the writing and the tears dried on his face. He stood up, finished his bag with the same uncontrollable movements and threw the bag on his back. He then took the letter, fold it carefully like it was going to break into million pieces in his trembling hands and placed it on the bed, the bed that he wouldn't use anymore. As he left the letter he left a piece of himself behind. He closed the door behind him and when he did he knew. With that piece of paper he left his heart once and for all. He left it for Allen to find. He then finally removed his hand from the doorknob and proceeded down the hallway.

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Bookman was standing outside in the cold weather waiting for his apprentice to come so that they would head to the train station and leave. The building of the Black Order was dark with only a couple of lights turned on in some places. He took one last look at the outstanding building that he was sure he wouldn't see again. His gaze then moved down to the big door of the entrance when he saw his apprentice exiting it.

"You are ready. Let's go" Bookman said once his apprentice was close enough to him to hear him and far away from the building. Lavi didn't answer he just stood next to him and they both moved even though Lavi seemed moving like a robot. His face was covered by the shadows of the night and Bookman couldn't see it clearly for him to read it. "I have already informed Komui for our departure".

Lavi then turned his head silently without stopping walking and glanced one last time at the Order. He had chosen to follow the path of a Bookman, like he was supposed. He had chosen logic. He had ignored his heart. And that made him a real Bookman.

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Yeah the first chapter to go. Please review though if you want me to continue because I already have another two fics and shame on me for starting a new one but I just couldn't ignore it. So if you want me to continue with this one please review! IF I decide to continue, the next chapter will be Allen finding the letter and the third chapter will be placed five years in the future just like in the summary.


	2. Chapter 2 the letter

Thank you for all the reviews!

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Chapter 2: The letter

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"You should have tried and stop them" Lenalee said looking down at her feet with her eyes full of tears. "It's not my job to stop them. We all knew that this day would come" Komui said and tried to place his hand on his sister's shoulder to comfort her but she just shrugged it away. Lenalee finally raised her head up to face her brother and the tears she couldn't no longer contain run freely down her pale face. "You should have woken us up! We could have stopped them! You know how hurt will Allen be?! How am I suppose to tell him something like that?!" Lenalee screamed to her brother for the first time in her entirely life. She felt terrible. She really thought that Komui ought to have done something but what about _them? _They left. _How could they leave without goodbye?! How could Lavi leave without saying anything to Allen?!_

"Lenalee, they were Bookmen. They are not supposed to have feelings" Komui said trying to make his sister see the truth. Lenalee wiped some of her tears to make space on her face for the new ones that were running from her big black eyes. _Were? _"Why you said were?" Lenalee said and looked to her feet again. Komui paused and hesitated for a minute. "I said were because they are not in our lives anymore and they will never be again. They belong to the past" Komui decided to be blunt with his sister even though that was hurtful for both of them. She should understand that this is what they are and this is where it would end sometime, and that sometime is now. They have to move on with their lives.

Lenalee kneeled down on the floor hiding her face with her hands and cried like she never had done before. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe that she wouldn't see Lavi's face again. She couldn't believe that they were gone, they left them, they wouldn't see them again. Allen wouldn't see Lavi again. She was silently praying to herself that all this, was a horrible nightmare. That she would wake up and everything will be fine. Lavi would be with Allen making fun of them and they would all be together. But no matter how much she tried to wake up, she didn't, this was real. She had to face it. Komui kneeled down beside her and hugged her, placing her head on his chest and with his other hand was petting her hair. Lenalee let him comfort her and she cried in his arms.

After some minutes that she finally took a hold of herself and built up her courage, she pulled her head away from her brother's warm embrace and said "I should let Allen know right?" Komui nodded his head in a slow melancholic rhythm. Lenalee looked at the space in front of her and kept silent. Her big eyes seemed to have lost their light which was replaced with pain and hurt. She thought silently to herself _How will I say that to Allen? He will be devastated..._

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Allen was sitting in the cafeteria of the Black Order waiting for his friends to come. Truth is that he barely contained himself not to eat but he waited for them to come and have breakfast together as usual. It's taking_ them a lot of time to come. I wonder where are they? _Allen thought and couldn't explain the slight feeling of anxious building up inside him. _Could they have overslept? All at the same time... _Allen shook his head lightly to get rid of such thoughts. _I am sure that everything is fine... _Allen thought to himself again and went back in tapping his finger on the table nervously.

He kept staring at the door like it would open magically. Suddenly the door opened and for a minute he thought he succeeded but then he noticed the small form of a girl behind it. Lenalee was standing in the door and was trying to smile to him but it came out only as a bitter frown on her beautiful face. Something snapped inside Allen when he saw her, he now knew that something was wrong. He stood up from his place forgetting all about his hunger and with a quick pace he reached her. His eyes filled up with concern when he noticed that her eyes were red from crying. _Why was she crying? What's wrong? _Panic started rising in his body as he stared into Lenalee's eyes waiting for her to tell him what's wrong.

She didn't talk, she kept staring in his eyes like she was trying to find something. Allen put his hand on her shoulder and that seemed to snap her out of her thoughts because she flinched slightly at the action. "Lenalee what's wrong?" Lenalee looked away from his eyes and she was staring at the floor. She let out a deep sigh and motioned for Allen to follow her out of the cafeteria and into the silent corridor where they would be alone.

Allen followed her quietly feeling his heart beating faster by the passing seconds as worry was building up inside him. When they were alone in a still corner of the corridor, Lenalee finally stopped walking and turned around to face him. Her eyes now were returning to their normal state but that didn't calm Allen. "I need to tell you something" she said and swallowed hard, like there was something in her throat stopping her. Allen was waiting for her to continue with wide eyes, the concern easily noticeable. "I... I don't know how to tell you this" Lenalee said and another tear rolled down her face as she rubbed her hand nervously. "Just tell me what's wrong Lenalee. You are killing me" Allen said trying his best not to upset her. Lenalee let out another sigh and determinedly she raised her head, stared straight into Allen's eyes and with a steady voice laced with pain she said "Lavi and Bookman left".

Allen thought he didn't hear her right and kept staring into her eyes "Um what?" he asked and blinked a couple of times. He thought he blinked to understand better what he heard but the truth was that he blinked to suppress back a tear that appeared out of nowhere. Lenalee frowned and said again "Lavi and Bookman left last night. They let my brother know and they simply... left" Lenalee choked a cry in her throat to finish her sentence. Now Allen was sure that he heard right and that tear wasn't restrained anymore and it run down freely. Allen shook his head again lightly in silent argument and blinked a couple of times before turning around to head towards Lavi's room. Lenalee run behind him and tried to catch up with him calling out "Allen where are you going?!" "You are lying! He wouldn't leave without telling me!" Allen yelled and wiped away from his eyes some tears that were blurring his vision. "Allen I am sorry but he has!" Lenalee tried to talk some sense to her friend, hurting her to see him like this.

Allen increased his pacing and now he was practically running with Lenalee following him persistently. After a while they reached Lavi's room. Allen cleaned some more of his tears with the back of his sleeve as he stood outside the door trying to control his breathing from the running. Lenalee was breathing hard next to Allen, looking up to him waiting for his next movement. Allen stared at the door, swallowed audibly and with a trembling voice he said "Lavi? Lavi are you in? This is a horrible joke by the way!" Lenalee didn't say anything, she just fixed her gaze on the floor not able to look at her friend anymore. Allen raised his hand to knock on the door but something inside him that was coming in terms with reality urged him to just open it. So he turned the doorknob slowly and pushed the door lightly to open it.

His now blank face came opposite with an empty room. He hesitantly took a step inside the room and looked around. There was no sign of the owner. Allen took some more steps inside the room feeling cold even though there was no window opened. He looked around for some more seconds and then he bowed his head looking defeated at the floor. A tear escaped from his eye and fell on the floor. Lenalee put her hand on his shoulder again. "He has really left hasn't he?" Allen said bitterly with a low voice. "Yes Allen I am sorry but he's gone". Allen kneeled down on the floor and let Lenalee embrace him like her brother did to her. She softly petted his white hair with her right hand and with her left hand his back. Allen was staring blankly in front of him. He then raised his head softly from Lenalee's neck when he got a glimpse of white on the gray sheets of the bed.

He stood up and moved towards the bed noticing a folded piece of paper with his name written on it. Lenalee stood up as well and moved next to him with a quizzical look on her face "What is that?" Allen didn't say anything and he moved his hand slowly to pick up the paper. He unfolded it and said "It's a letter... for me". Lenalee smiled bitterly and placed her hand again on his shoulder. Then understanding her friend, she left and left Allen alone to read his letter.

Allen sat on the bed and with trembling hands and pain in his chest, he started reading the letter.

_Allen,_

_I am sorry but I am leaving. When you will be reading this I will be far away. Please try and understand. I just couldn't face you, I couldn't say goodbye to you because I know that it would shatter both of us and it would make me change my mind. I cannot be an exorcist, I am destined to be a Bookman. I am sorry for everything, for the pain I caused and for the things I didn't do. Allen please don't hate me, I love you. I will always think of you and I hope that you will forgive me._

_Lavi._

Allen felt tears building up again at the words and a tear fell on the paper creating a wet small circle. Allen folded it back again and saved it in his exorcist's uniform pocket. He sat there on the bed for a little while inhaling the withdrawing smell of what was left of Lavi. He run his hand on the sheets and he could almost feel like he was touching Lavi but it was not the same. His mind was vacant, he was just repeating the words of the letter in his mind again and again with an unspoken _why?_ darting between them. He got on his feet and with heavy footsteps he reached the door. He threw a last glance in the room and felt his heart aching. Then he closed the door and left.

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Again thank you all for the reviews! Sorry for the late update but university is about to begin so it will take much longer time than usual for me to update. So please review so that I know that there are actually people interested in this!


	3. Chapter 3 Will you save me?

Warning: Language

Chapter 3: Will you save me?

_Shit_! That was all Lavi could think of right now. He was currently surrounded by a gang of thieves and he was pretty sure that this is how his life would end. _Great! Just fucking great!_

Lavi would really like to bang his head against the wall, the one that he was currently cornered against, for his lazy habits. Why? Because simply he decided to take a walk in the city so that he could escape his boredom for a while. He was staying in a good old motel with a horrible room but at least it was adequate for the week that he needed it and really, he was in worst places before. The old lady that owned it, sweet and harmless on the outside and crazy greedy bitch on the inside, had warned him with a sly scary smile pulling in the corners of her lips that the city was dangerous at such an hour. Lavi could swear that he had seen her eyes glint at the warning and thought that maybe just _maybe _she was actually proud to live in such a _dangerous _city.

But because Lavi couldn't take anymore the echo of his own voice in the small bedroom every time he let out a small cry because he saw a _fucking_ _insect _having fun in his own godamn bedroom, he said _Screw this! I am going! _And so he left his little room, left the pathetic motel, and got out into the city for a walk. Really now if someone would have told him that in an hour from then he would prefer to keep company to the cockroaches of his room he would laugh in the person's face.

So Lavi after the encounter of the old lady in the "reception" – the reception was a small room in the front that _seemed _clean and friendly enough to attract customers, Lavi thought that it was more like the first step to the trap of _chaos_ – and the warning-proud-to-live-in-this-dangerous-shithole, he got out of the motel and the night air hit his face, like it tried to warn him too. When the skin of his face was hit by the cold night air he felt _refreshed. Yep nothing can go wrong in this place!_

He was walking down the sidewalk where everyone could see him and he was mostly safe, mostly, when he decided that the so refreshing night air that was hitting his face constantly wasn't so refreshing anymore. Yep if he got out of this alive he was sure that he will end up with cold, _if _he gets out of this alive. So as the cold air was hitting his face he felt the previous refreshment drawn from him and now he felt like sharp knives were hitting his face. Oh the irony...

He then took a turn to the next corner so that he would escape the frozen night air and the corner ended up being an alley. A dark alley with no sound and far away from any good human being that happened to be crazy enough to be out in the city at such hour. But that rang any bells? Noooo he just continued his way down the damn alley. Now that he is looking back he could swear that the air frozen his mind as well except from his face.

And so as he was walking a big guy cut off his way. At first he just thought that it was because the alley was small and the guy just stepped in his way. Then he realised that more of them came behind him. He turned to face them and tried to take a step back but he hit the first guy behind him who cut off his road. Then again he turned and started backing slowly against the nearby wall as he was followed by the grinning thugs. When his back touched the wall and the thugs kept on advancing on him he really hoped that the wall would open up magically and suck him in. But now that he thinks of it that wasn't such a great idea since you never know what there's going to be on the other side of a wall that sucked people.

In such hours he was glad for high intellect since it could get him out of the trouble, most of the times. "Okay guys, hi there by the way! Let's not start a fight! I have no money on me, if I had I would be reaaaaally glad to give them to you" he said smiling awkwardly and trying the path of logic in his situation. He waved around with his hand nervously and tried to smile more _properly_ to hide his fear. The five guys looked at each other and started laughing, _laughing! What the hell?! _Then one of the too-big-guys-to-be-real (and really he wished and _prayed _it was his imagination but hell when he became that lucky) he seemed like the whatsoever boss of the gang came closer but still covered in the shadows, that thank you very much weren't needed to add to his fear.

"And how are we sure you don't carry money on you? I say to beat you up and see if you have something on you. And still even if you don't , we will get off by beating you!" the guy said and smiled brightly (where the hell was the light that made his teeth shine so freaking much?!) and Lavi just noticed a scar on his lips. _Well great they want a fight and of course it's not their first time! _

"So you got the scar from fighting but you still do it? I bet all of you have scars so why do you want to add more?" Lavi said with all his sincerity and stupidity at the same time. Why his high intellect didn't work all the time? Oh yeah he didn't know when to shut his mouth afterwards!

The guys of course didn't appreciate his comment and really who would? They snarled and they got ready to start throwing punches, at one direction, Lavi's direction. One of them cracked the bones of his hands, the other snarled, the other hit his fist in his other hand's palm and the other just raised his fists. And of course their all almighty boss was still smiling that freaky shining smile of his.

At such time he was glad for his training, hell he wasn't going down without a fight. His _training, in the Order, Allen... _it's been so long since he last thought of the Order, of Allen. During the first year he left, he was thinking about running back. A whole year he was thinking about it and then he was looking at the weak figure of the Bookman, he couldn't left him, not now, especially not now. The old man was getting worse day by day so he was doing most of the Bookman job for his master. It was cool, writing history, being part of it. It was cooler than kicking the asses of bloody Akumas by Allen's side, right? Still he didn't complain, being a Bookman was his future, a future without Allen. Maybe one time he would meet Allen again, write about him. Yeah he would write about Allen but a bookman must remain in the shadows, just record and move on.

Then Bookman freaking left! Left! It was two years later after they left the Order and then he left. He simply left a freaking letter saying that hey you are ready now go on do your thinkie and I will be somewhere that I cannot tell you. Well thanks a lot genius! He was already doing the bookman job the past year! And oh the irony again, well if Lavi could write in one of his books how much of a bitch irony is he would. When he read the letter he felt his heart drop, he felt alone, lost. He then thought how must have Allen felt, but he wrote at least an appropriate letter to him. The last three years he was alone he threw himself to work and locked the memories in a corner of his mind and threw away the key but now he was bringing them back, he needed them.

He just needed to get out of this alive. Who would be Bookman then? He never thought of it before but hell he really needed to see Allen before he died. That craving was locked away in his mind alongside with the various memories and now that he searched through them he found it. Yes he needed to see Allen. What did he do with his life? Did he found someone? Would he forgive Lavi? Would they be at least again friends? Lavi felt his heart pain a little but he knew he didn't deserve Allen's love or friendship for that matter but it was the least he could ask for.

A punch coming to his face though drew him away from his little thought and fortunately he dodged in time and rolled a little away so just another guy tried to kick him. He jumped back and he was already breathing hard. All this years he got rusty and even thinner if that was possible. He sometimes didn't find the need to eat or work out so his previous slight muscles that he had build with training and hunting had gone down the well. Now he was thin and some would say _feminine_. Well he hated that, _feminine. _He was male and ok he liked tight clothes and he was extremely thin and he had this feelings for Allen but that didn't make him any less man! And he would be damned, if right now he didn't fight for his life like he learnt. They wanted to punch him? Well come on he would punch back!

"I see that you have good reflexes" the boss said and Lavi heard him being a little impressed. "But still we are having a fight and we will beat you so hard that you will forget your name!" His name, another thing he gave away for the Bookman and he briefly wondered what name they would put on his tombstone. Then another punch was ready to fly right into his face but then one of the guys that was on the back flew, fucking flew, on where he was standing and crashed on the wall. Well Lavi didn't know what to make of this so he just stared at the now unconscious guy, he just stared, like an idiot.

Then the boss gritted his teeth at the sight of his fallen comrade and there was confusion on his face as well as Lavi's. Then he turned around to face the back part of his gang, where the flying asshole came, and before he even blinked one of the others came crashing down on him and they both fell down on Lavi's feet. Lavi then looked as well and there was a guy in the shadows. A miracle! The mysterious guy had just finished punching the other guy and then the fifth guy who stupidly enough didn't run for his life, tried to attack him from behind. But the life saviour turned in time and grabbed his hand, oh the scared look on his face was priceless, if Lavi wasn't frozen in shock he would laugh.

Lavi then heard the bone breaking and he could see in the dark a smile appearing on his saviour's face. The man screamed in agony and fell to his knees begging for his life. Meanwhile the rest of the guys got up and were ready to retreat like wet cats. One of them that was a little braver that the rest got to his friend with the broken hand and picked him up. Then they left immediately.

Lavi was really impressed by the guy's skills. He then saw the guy leaving as well and he tried to stop him to thank him. The guy didn't even glance at him. "Wait! Thank you for saving my ass back there!" but the guy kept on walking nonchalantly and just said "Don't mention it".

Ok the guy seriously didn't care for saving Lavi's life and much more talking to him. He might have just saved his life but the guy was really arrogant and he didn't care. Lavi was still walking with him trying to thank him, why was he even trying to thank him, one thank you was enough and if the guy didn't care so what's his problem? He had his life and thanked him, time to go! But no Lavi was stubborn and prideful.

"Um hi by the way the name's Lavi!" Lavi said standing beside the weird man. Until now Lavi didn't got a good look on the guy. He was wearing a black cape with a hood on that it was covering his face. _Oh great I hope he is not a psycho... _the guy just stopped walking all of a sudden and Lavi remained with his hand extended and his standard grin fixed on his face. What?! He is just trying to be polite!

_Okay did he stop working or something? _Lavi was really concern now, the guy just stopped walking, facing the sidewalk and not moving. Lavi started slowly withdrawing his hand when the guy moved faster than Lavi had ever seen someone move, grabbed his hand and pinned him to the nearest wall. "Dude what the hell?! I was just trying to thank you!" The guy had him pinned against the wall but he wasn't gripping him hard, he was just holding him in place. Lavi then noticed that the guy was still looking on the sidewalk like he was afraid to face Lavi and Lavi also noticed that the guy's hands were shaking a little. "Um dude sorry for bothering you are you alright?" Lavi placed one of his hands on the guy's trembling fist and that seemed to make him shatter even more, like he recognised the touch.

"It can't be..." the guy murmured and shake a bit his head with his gaze still fixed on the pavement and Lavi thought that he found the pavement really fascinating or something. Then the guy raised his head a bit and Lavi could see part of his face now since the upper part was still covered in the shadow of his hood. Then he noticed a line running down to the guys face and some hair that were escaping the hood. The hair was white and the line, that line, it was a mark, a mark that was going upper on the hidden face.

It then hit Lavi and his eyes grew wide with realisation. He slowly reached up his hand and removed the hood from the stranger to reveal his all too familiar face.

"Allen?..."

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I am so sorry for the delay but university is heaven and hell combined! Thank you soooooooo much for all the reviews and favourites and the next chapter is coming either this week or the next and there will be lemon! Again thank you for your patience and all your love!


	4. Ch 4 Because some dreams do come true

Warnings: language and lemon at the end.

Chapter 4: Because some dreams do come true

_Well shit, that was unexpected! _Lavi thought as he was looking at Allen's face who, was still stubbornly looking on the pavement. Lavi noticed that his face had a surprised and shocked look even though he steadied himself and wasn't shaking anymore.

Lavi just wanted to hug him but he didn't know what that would earn him, a hug back or a punch in the face or both? Allen had now the same height as Lavi. _Well he has grown up _Lavi thought. _I missed that didn't I? _Lavi could also see that Allen's hair was back in a ponytail but he couldn't be sure where it ended since it was in the inside of the long black cape. And hell didn't he become a man. The young boy Lavi once knew now it was a man that could handle himself just fine in a fight without a weapon. _But what about his hand? _Lavi asked himself since he just noticed that Allen was wearing gloves and long sleeves hiding his hands completely.

Allen released him from his hold and he was now looking at him with a sad look on his face. "It's really you" Allen said and was still looking on Lavi's face like it would disappear in any moment. Allen then reached out his hand and gently touched Lavi's face. Lavi smiled and placed his hand above Allen's and that seemed to surprise a little the younger one. "I thought I would never see you again" Allen said and removed his hand fast like he regretted it.

"Allen I... I am sorry... I really missed you and I know you don't want to look at me right now but..." well great what do you say at such an hour? Lavi was still going on with his babbling when suddenly he felt Allen move and warmth spread over his body. Lavi blinked and into focus came Allen's face, really really close. Then it hit him, Allen was kissing him! Allen was kissing him! The kiss was rough, lingering, full in need and passion. Allen brought his one hand around his waist to pull him even closer and his other hand travelled up to his head and grabbed his hair almost painfully deepening the kiss further.

Lavi brought his hands up to Allen's shoulders feeling the same need and passion. He felt himself been pushed against the wall and Allen pressing harder against him while his hands were exploring his body. Lavi couldn't believe this. Did he really die back there and now that was just a dream? Then he felt Allen's hard on and no, that was certainly not a dream. Then they broke the kiss as the need for air kicked in. But as soon as Lavi took a breath and tried to say a word, Allen's mouth was again on him more aggressive and needier. Lavi placed his hands around Allen's shoulders and messed a little with his hair that were now awkwardly hanging around half in the ponytail and half free. Allen brought his hand under Lavi's leg and pushed it up around his waist, holding it there softly. Lavi snapped his eyes open when he realised where this was going. He tried to push Allen back but he succeeded only in breaking the kiss. Then Allen attacked his neck and he was placing kisses mixed with some licks all over it, making Lavi shiver with pleasure.

Lavi admitted to himself that yes Allen had grown up and he was more dominant than ever, and more aggressive, almost possessive. "Allen we can take this to a room you know" Lavi tried to reason but hell he was losing his reasoning due to Allen's soft lips on his neck. Allen's hand reached for his other leg and Lavi found enough in his will power to reach his hand and stop him. Allen leaned a little back still holding Lavi's leg up to his waist and his other hand was resting next to Lavi's head on the wall. He looked both confused and sad.

Lavi saw the sadness in his eyes and thought that Allen believed that he might have done something wrong or that maybe Lavi didn't want this after all. So Lavi to fix things he leaned a bit forward were Allen was and captured his lips in a slow passionate kiss that earned him a silent moan from Allen. Lavi smiled a little and placed his hands on either side of Allen's face.

"God I missed you. You have grown up so much. I regret missing this but..." Lavi said in a low voice but he stopped talking when Allen placed one of his fingers on Lavi's mouth and whispered slowly a shh and continued "I have so many questions so many whys so much pain and anger right now but I cannot help it, I really need you. I needed you for so long that I am willing to forget my anger for a while and do this. Do you really want to start a conversation right now?" Allen said looking into Lavi's eye, the other was still covered with the eye patch.

Lavi could only nod but couldn't help ask a last question "Yeah but we are still going to have that conversation later right?". Lavi really wished he could skip that part since it would only bring back bad memories and anger but he knew that Allen needed his explanations. Allen kissed him slowly and nodded simply as well. "You said something about a room?" and Lavi giggled happily and Allen set a sweet smile on his face.

"Yeah just up in the road. It's a crappy hotel, you cannot miss it" Lavi said as Allen let his leg finally down and took a step back. Lavi started walking and Allen followed him eagerly. He know he should be angry, he knew he must be demanding some explanations after whole five years but his craving for Lavi was bigger. The first year he left he was searching for him but damn the old Bookman knew how to disappear from the face of earth. Then Komui ordered him to stop doing that, they were gone and even if he found them they wouldn't come back. Well fuck that! He kept on searching on his own without telling anyone. At every mission he was sent he would try to see if Lavi or Bookman were around, to record the mission or whatever but he never saw none of them, he never found them. After a long time he gave up, but he still searched for Lavi's figure lingering in the background from the corner of his eyes as he was slashing through the Akumas but he always had the same result: nothing.

It was something like a miracle that he found Lavi now and under these circumstances. He was walking nonchalantly in the city to have a look around and he decided to take a shortcut to return to the hotel he was staying. The shortcut was the dark alley but he didn't care, his fighting ability was the best in the whole order now, even Kanda was impressed. He was training hard to get this result even though on the back of his mind he knew that he mostly trained to forget about his problems, and most of all Lavi's disappearance. It costed him greatly when his best friend disappeared, but he tried hard not to let it show. He couldn't stand their stares, their eyes full of pity, he just couldn't, they were only making things worst instead of comforting him.

When he was passing in the alley he saw that the thugs cornered someone. Without a second thought he attacked one of the thugs that was on the back. He hadn't fight combat in so long and he loved how his blood was rushing in his veins endorsed with the sweet feeling of adrenaline. He loved a good fight, heck he was always looking for one and he always won. It was one of the moments in his life that he wasn't getting criticize or getting questions like _"why did you just do that?"_ or most importantly a pity look. No, when he was fighting he knew that he was emerging fear and respect in others. It was his way to release some of the constant pain in his heart.

He threw the first guy flying and then the second guy who thought too much of himself and attacked him. After he finished with the pathetic thugs he just turned around to leave. He heard the guy who just saved thanking him but really he didn't care. Even though something in his subconscious recognised the voice and it was begging him to just look up to the guy. But he didn't he just kept on walking, he just wanted to get to his room and have a long sleep. But heck this guy was persisting, he was following him around and trying to thank him. _Yeah yeah I saved you whatever. _He heard that so many times before. When he got himself into a fight there would be always someone following him around surprised and impressed by his skill and trying to thank him. With or without someone in danger he would still get into the fight, he did it for himself.

There were many occasions that the lady in danger would offer him a much more thank you gift. And in much more than one occasions he took the said "gift". He was a man after all. But something inside was always hollow, there was always something missing. He became popular with the girls and on many occasions with guys as well. So when one of them would gladly go to bed with him he wouldn't say no. He was always searching for that person that would make him feel whole again but his search was in vain.

_Damn this guy is annoying... _"Hi my name is Lavi!" he heard the stranger saying and for a brief moment he didn't even process the words then he stopped dead in his tracks. Could it be? Could it really be? He was frozen trying to bring back the figure of the man in the alley that he saved feeling too shocked and scared to just look up to the guy's face. He was scared, he felt his heart raising. Could this really be Lavi, his Lavi? But what if it wasn't and fate was playing games with him again?

He then pinned the guy to the wall, shaking and still scared to look. _Just a pick, just a pick... _then his hood was undone and he came across faced with Lavi. He felt like he was dreaming or having a nightmare he really didn't know because his brain couldn't be so harsh on him and give him such a dream right? _No no no! _It's him it must be him. And it was really him, his touch, his smile, everything was screaming Yes this is Lavi! He couldn't believe it! And that part inside him that always felt half and incomplete, it was suddenly rushed with emotions of happiness.

He knew it really, knew it all along, that Lavi wasn't another simple friend. Not a friend that cared about him like Lenalee, not a friend more like rival like Kanda, not a friend like the rest of the people in the Order. He knew that maybe in everyone's eyes Lavi was his best friend but for Allen he was so much more, much more than a simple friend, he was the love of his life, his other half and when he left he took half of his self with him. And now he had him in front of him, real, alive, warm under his touch. He threw every coherent thought aside and kissed him. He didn't know Lavi's reaction but he just knew that he had to do it. And when Lavi answered with the same passion and eagerness the fluttering feeling was back and his head was swimming in glee. He needed Lavi, now. Lavi didn't assume as a simple friend as well as it seems. _All those years... _

"Yeah just up in the road. It's a crappy hotel, you cannot miss it" and Allen was more than eager to follow Lavi in his hotel. For the first time he would go to a hotel eagerly and happy.

* * *

After some minutes that seemed to both of them like aeons, they had arrived just outside of Lavi's supposed to be hotel. Then they moved inside and they came first face with the old lady who was eyeing them weirdly and with her one eyebrow raised in surprise. "Oh I see you are back, with a friend" she gave a mistrusting tone to the word _friend_ and watched Allen from the top of his head to the end of his feet not caring to hide her curiosity.

"Yeah I am back" Lavi plainly said not caring to add something else or to get with chit chat with the old woman. _Yeah surprised to see me old crazy woman? Bet you didn't expect to see me alive! But who's laughing now! _Lavi thought to his inner self and couldn't keep the smile off his face, something that Allen noticed while he was pulled by Lavi upstairs.

"Don't mind that old bitch" Lavi said and he really didn't care for the disapproving raising of Allen's eyebrow while he was pulled upstairs. "Here we are!" he exclaimed happily when they reached just outside of the door of his room. Lavi buried his hands in his pockets searching furiously for the keys. Why they always had to be so hard to find when he needed them? When he found them the face he pulled was the one of a small child coming across a candy store. Allen couldn't help but smile since Lavi was reflecting his own anticipation as well and seeing that his _friend_ didn't change so much.

Lavi bend slightly to put the keys into the hall and Allen felt suddenly too arousing at the sight and circled Lavi's waist with his hands and proceeded to plant soft kisses on Lavi's neck. Lavi stopped for a second feeling the warm touch of Allen but then he fought with the keys to finally get them inside of the bedroom even harder. Just as the click of the door was heard Lavi widened his eyes in success and pushed it open, Allen followed him inside still attached to him. Allen kicked the door close and released Lavi as so to lock the door. He didn't want to be disturbed. If there was a label with the not disturbed sign Lavi would put it on the door but hell there wasn't something so luxurious in this horrible hotel. Plus he was sure that he would attract unwanted attention with that but heck they have already attracted enough attention.

Just as Lavi locked the door Allen was again on him. Hands around his waist, lips on his lips and Lavi brought his own hands up to Allen's back taking in Allen's kisses with pleasure. Lavi then moved his hands on the front, to Allen's torso and undid the cape. Allen let it fall on the floor with a silent thud, pooling around his legs and freeing his ponytail which Lavi noticed that it was ending around Allen's shoulder blades. Then he was undoing Lavi's buttons of his shirt as they were moving backwards towards the bed. As they reached it and Lavi's feet hit the mattress they both fell backwards still tangled up together. Allen removed Lavi's shirt and the typical scarf. As Allen broke the kiss, he steadied himself on his hands which were on either side of Lavi's shoulders. As they were breathing softly, Lavi was untying the laces of Allen's shirt all while Allen was looking down at him with a soft smile.

When Lavi finished undoing the shirt Allen pulled it off. Lavi was mesmerised at the sight of Allen's naked torso and run his hand on the lines of muscles that were there now. "Wow somebody has been working out" Lavi said with fascination lacing his voice. Allen shivered slightly at the feel of Lavi's hand running up and down his torso. Allen bended down and kissed Lavi again as his hand was pulling down his zipper. Allen was placing kisses on Lavi's neck while Lavi reached for the button on his black trousers. Then Allen stopped and for a second Lavi's heart stopped as well but then Allen motioned for Lavi to lie more properly on the bed. Lavi then gladly crawled back and lied his head down on the not so soft pillow with Allen following him closely.

When they reached their destination Allen pulled off his trouser and Lavi's. He settled between Lavi's legs and between kisses he felt right to ask "Lavi you are sure about where this is going right?" Lavi nodded since he was at loss of words and kissed Allen passionately to show him that he really wanted this. Allen then didn't lost any more time, he removed both of their underwears. Lavi blushed and Allen couldn't but laugh a little at the sight. "Um Allen... I" Lavi tried to say while Allen was nuzzling his nose on his neck taking all of Lavi's scent and keeping it in his memory. "I need to tell you something..." Lavi said and tilted his head to the side as to hide his face when Allen raised his head. Lavi was blushing and exhaled deeply, was he embarrassed? Allen tilted his head to one side half closing his eyes trying to understand what was wrong with Lavi. Did he regret it?

Allen grabbed Lavi's chin softly and turned his head to look at him "Lavi what's wrong?" "I... well... I have never been with a guy before" Lavi said as fast as he could and Allen almost didn't get it, _almost_. Allen then smiled and placed a kiss to Lavi's lips. "Don't worry Lavi I will not hurt you and that I am your first one is making me really happy" Allen said and felt Lavi relaxing underneath him. "It's not that I am worry that you will hurt me, I am worry that I won't..." Lavi said but Allen stopped him by kissing him again as gentle as he could "Don't worry for anything Lavi and let me take care of you" Allen said and Lavi nodded simply with a smile on his face.

Allen kissed him again and let their torsos touch earning a moan from Lavi. He reached between their bodies and touched Lavi, happily founding Lavi already hard. Lavi gasped at the touch of Allen's hand. He let his mouth slightly open signing softly when Allen's hand began slow movements around his shaft and he brought his own hands to Allen's arm feeling the movement of his muscles. Lavi opened his legs more and bended them upwards slightly to give better access to Allen. Allen's head rose up suddenly from the crook of Lavi's neck, but never stopping his hand from working up and down, asked "Um Lavi do you have lube?"

Lavi's eye snapped open as his brain was searching his memories for a potential answer, a positive answer preferably. "Um I am not sure!" Lavi said anxious. Allen then blinked a couple of times and then widened his eyes and a bright smile spread across his face. With one swift move he jumped out of the bed and kneeled on the floor searching furiously for his cape. "Allen what is it?" Lavi asked as he sat a little straight up leaning on his elbows. "I think I have with me" Allen said as he was searching the pockets of his cape with rapid moves. Then he came across the bottle he was looking for and he was holding it in his hands like a little child holding its teddy bear, showing it to Lavi triumphantly. It was a small bottle of lube, really small, like it was supposed to be used only once.

"Why on earth did you have that on you?" Lavi said moving an eyebrow upwards accusingly. Allen blushed a little and looked at the floor. The lines that were created on his forehead were more than enough to indicate that he was thinking hard. "Eh..." he said trying to fill the uncomfortable silence as Lavi was waiting for an answer. "Allen?" Lavi said with a voice somewhat angry making Allen finally to look at him. "Ok. I met a girl back in my hotel and we were supposed to meet tonight. I tried to refuse but then she put that in my cape and told me to bring it with me tonight..." Allen said and became a bright red as he looked again on the floor not able to face Lavi. Lavi was silent for a moment and then said as joyfully as he could "Well bet she didn't know you are not gonna use it with her" as Lavi said that, Allen turned to face him smiling happily. "So you are not angry?" Allen said and jumped back on the bed eagerly again. "No who cares! It's not like we set this up after all. Now shall we?" Lavi said and kissed Allen as he was taking again his place between his legs.

Allen popped open the small bottle and duck his fingers in. Lavi's heart rate increased feeling more and more anxious and eager at the same time. Then Allen got back to his previous task, working up and down on Lavi's shaft and running his thumb over the tip making Lavi squirming underneath him with pleasure. As he was working on Lavi's dick, he circled his entrance with one finger trying to warn Lavi for what is to come. Lavi felt the finger at his entrance and nodded to Allen. Allen pushed the first finger inside feeling the tightness. Lavi let his head fall back on the pillow feeling some discomfort. "I promise Lavi it gets better" Allen said feeling a little bad but he knew that he was going to make Lavi feel really good in some minutes.

Allen pushed a second finger in and to keep Lavi distracted increased his speed of his other hand and moved his fingers at the same time. Lavi moaned and Allen took it as a sign to go on. So he pushed a third finger in and moved them together making Lavi clench at the bed sheet. After some time of moving his fingers in and out and twisting them at some time, Allen decided that Lavi was ready so he removed them. He positioned himself better between Lavi's legs and he raised them a little. He felt Lavi stiffen a bit. "Lavi you need to relax ok?" Allen said and bended down to kiss Lavi. He aligned himself to Lavi's entrance and pushed slowly in. He felt Lavi stiffen again as he was kissing him and he broke the kiss to whisper "Relax..." Allen pushed all the way in and Lavi felt suddenly too full and pain. _I promise Lavi it gets better..._

Allen pushed all the way in and stayed like that for a while for Lavi to get used to him. He placed his one hand next to Lavi's head for support and the other he brought it under Lavi's leg to raise it higher for better access. Lavi's own hands were clenching Allen's shoulders tightly. Allen then pushed half way outside and pushed again in feeling Lavi tightening his hold. Lavi gulped and said breathlessly "You can move I am ok". Allen pushed all the way out and back in slowly as Lavi let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. _It hurts but feels good at the same time... damn Allen what are you doing to me?_

Allen started a slow pace not wanting to hurt Lavi but he knew that he would bring pleasure to the older one in a while. Lavi breathed hard feeling Allen moving in and out of his body. It was something that he only dreamt of and now it was reality. Both he and Allen wanted to savour this moment for ever. Allen was moving inside Lavi feeling the tightness engulfing him, it felt so good, Lavi felt so good around him, his muscles pulling him in, clenching around his cock as he was moving. Lavi was digging his nails into Allen's back but Allen didn't mind, he knew that it was for the pain Lavi was feeling.

Allen then increased the pace and now he was slamming into Lavi. The sound of flesh hitting flesh and Lavi's low moans were the only thing heart in the small room. Suddenly Lavi felt pleasure streaming in his body and moaned louder bringing his hands around Allen's neck. Allen whispered "Found it" and grinned to himself as he realised that he hit Lavi's prostate. He then thrusted into Lavi faster and Lavi wrapped his legs around Allen's waist pushing him to go deeper. With that Allen began moving faster hitting Lavi's prostate with force. Lavi moaned his name _"Allen..."_ and he thought that he really was in heaven. In return he said his lover's name as well as he was thrusting faster inside him _"Lavi..."_

"Ahh Allen deeper!" Lavi almost screamed and he couldn't believe that it was actually him talking such things. Allen raised himself on his hands never losing his rapid rhythm. He looked at Lavi. Lavi's face was flushed and he was moaning and scrunching on the bed sheets and breathing heavy and blinking his beautiful green eye and... and Allen knew that this was more than he ever could ask, Lavi was writhing underneath him receiving pleasure from him.

Then Allen sensing that he was close, he leaned on his one elbow and with his other hand he touched Lavi's hardness again pumping him with the same rhythm as his hips. Lavi was moaning loud his name and really now who cared who might listen to them? After all tomorrow morning would be gone or at least in some days. Who cares about the opinion of others when you have the one you love in your arms?

As Lavi felt Allen's hand he gasped, feeling even more pleasure if that was possible for his current state. It was the first time he ever felt pleasure and love at the same time. Yes he had sex before, with women, but it was mostly out of need and not of love. Now being here with a guy and Allen of all people is more he could ever ask for. They weren't having sex, they were making love, and that was a first for both of them.

"Allen I am close" Lavi said breathlessly almost fighting to be heard coherent as Allen was thrusting in him harder and faster. "Yes Lavi me too" Allen said trying to focus on his speaking and doing the task at hand, _literally_, at the same time. He gave Lavi's hardness quicker strokes and in some seconds he felt Lavi coming all over his hand and his stomach. Lavi's muscles tighten around Allen's dick more and Allen gave two last thrusts as well and came deep inside Lavi. Then he fell on top of him and they were a mess of come, exhaustion and heavy breathing.

Allen gathered himself after a couple of minutes, pulled out of Lavi slowly not to hurt him and fall next to him on the bed still panting. Lavi felt Allen's semen drifting out of his ass and he didn't know if he should be disgusted or really happy. "Damn..." Lavi simply said and smiled happily. "Let's sleep" Allen said and kissed Lavi on the cheek before bringing his hand around his waist to hug him.

"Yeah let's get some rest" Lavi almost didn't finish his sentence and fell asleep in Allen's arms. And that night they didn't have need of dreams.

* * *

So sorry for being late but I don't really feel comfortable writing lemons but here it is! Thank you for all the reviews and please continue reviewing!


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